Friendsgiving
Home is really wherever we set the table.
This Thanksgiving was the first Thanksgiving since my mom’s passing. A close friend invited me to Charlotte, North Carolina to spend the holiday weekend with her and her partner, and I accepted the invitation. I could have spent Thanksgiving in Indianapolis with my uncles and brother, who all live in the city; however, I didn’t want to address the elephant in the room, my mom’s permanent absence from the table. Was the elephant in the dining room in Charlotte? Yes. However, in Charlotte, we could dance around the elephant. It was allowed to have a presence, but at a safe distance. That’s why I went to Charlotte.
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Thanksgiving dinner is the trial run before Christmas and – the best part – consumerism doesn’t have a place at this table. Despite Thanksgiving being my favorite, I find the holidays a stressful season with family. Sometimes holidays with family feels like walking on a landmine hoping not to make a wrong step that causes an unexpected explosion, or preparing a strategy for navigating the current family politics.
For me, it felt like some family members had the expectation that I would want to spend Thanksgiving with them, especially given my mom’s recent passing. When I informed them of my plans, I was later accused of jumping at the opportunity to travel to Charlotte for the holiday in order to avoid dealing with grief. This came from the same family members who also, 50 percent of the time, created excuses not to be present at Thanksgiving in recent years when my mom was alive. Given the history, I did not believe there should have been an expectation or an issue with me spending the holiday with a close friend.
My favorite Thanksgivings have been the ones spent with friends rather than family. So, I guess I prefer Friendsgiving over Thanksgiving. My favorite Thanksgiving was in 2017, when I lived in France, where I celebrated the American holiday over three evenings. There was Thanksgiving on Thursday with my adopted French family, then Friday with the (mostly) American teaching assistants, and Saturday with a French friend who is enthusiastic about American culture. All three evenings shared the characteristics of a delightful dinner party – delicious food, lively conversation, and plenty of wine. In other words, the kind of evening I thrive on.
Thanksgiving 2023 was similar to Thanksgiving 2017 in respect to the characteristics of food, conversation, and wine. However, unlike 2017, turkey was on the table. In general, I find turkey meat to be dry and bland no matter the lengths taken to make it tempting for the taste buds. But Mr. Hughes, the host, had deep fried his turkey. Game changer. My taste buds and I were shocked to discover that turkey can be – dare I say – juicy. This turkey had flavor (thanks to the Southern seasoning technique of adding a little heat) and moisture. I went back for seconds for just the turkey.
My friend curated a food itinerary for the remainder of my Thanksgiving weekend in Charlotte. We continued the Thanksgiving theme of eating and wine sipping for a couple of days after Thursday. This made my soul do that little happy dance when you take that first bite of food and realize it’s mouthwatering delicious.
At Friendsgivings, I don’t stress about the explosive reaction that could happen with family if someone doesn’t tread lightly, resulting in tensions lasting a few days to many months. The uncertainty of how family members react when their emotions are heightened sucks away the enjoyment of the holiday for me. I’m not upset with family members’ emotions; it’s how the emotions dictate the reaction that causes me stress. When the emotions dictate the reaction, the chances for understanding the other person’s perspective or seeing the big picture diminish. I remember family members’ reactions and how it made me feel, which overshadows the potential memories I could have made but cannot recall.
I do not regret my choice of traveling to Charlotte for Thanksgiving. It gave me a change of scenery for a few days and allowed me to explore Charlotte through its food. It was heartwarming to reconnect with a close friend and her partner, to catch up on the highs and lows that have transpired in the last 18 months of our lives, and to speculate what the future will hold for us. I was able to enjoy myself this Thanksgiving weekend. Some family members may see my decisions as selfish; however, I made a decision that was best for me and I don’t find that selfish. Like my family has done in years past, prior to my mom’s passing, I may spend more Thanksgivings with friends. That is my choice if I opt not to spend it with family, just like it was theirs in years past.
Fin.